December 11, 2012
Dear Anonymous Couple:
Your holiday generosity in the Livermore Wal-Mart is overwhelming, but c’mon? If a shopper had $600 worth of merchandise in their cart, they either could afford it, or they need financial counseling, not a benefactor.
As to anonymity, San Jose Mercury News writer Jeremy Thomas is on your trail. Before you know it, there’ll be a BOLO (that’s police talk for “be on the lookout for…”) using the Mercury News description.
BOLO: Caucasian man and woman in their 30s. Man has thinning brown hair. Woman is blond. Suspects known only as anonymous couple must be apprehended and identified.”
That will force Mr. Pettigrew, Livermore Wal-Mart manager, to relinquish all surveillance records he claims don’t exist. Before your grainy black and white photos are matched to the time of your major credit card purchase, I hope the BOLO will be edited to read gender-specific “blonde” (not blond).
Advice from this mystery writer: Next time, use gift cards or cash. Meanwhile, to avoid identification, Ms. Blonde Anonymous should color her hair red or green, perhaps both to celebrate the holiday season. I suggest Mr. Thinning-Hair Anonymous wear a stocking cap because Rogaine takes time.